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Archive for the ‘Codependency’ Category

saturnSL11996

For the last 6 years I have only riden around town on my bicycle in this medium-sized, Caribbean Mexican town, but over these past 3 weeks I have had a rental car. I experienced the town in a whole new way, and my new perspective brought about a revelation about my recovery process relative to my last relationship—the one that took me over 6 months to get over.

A few years ago, in the midst of the chaos of our somewhat codependent, dramatic relationship I had the thought, ” some day I’m going to drive by his place and it will be like driving by any other house on this block.” It was one of those surreal moments when I zoomed out of the confusion of the current situation into a more balanced future.

And my intuition was right! It is amazing how real and intense something can be one day, and then another day be completely different.

Well, it’s not totally accurate to say that driving by his house was exactly the same as any other house because we are still friends now, but there certainly were no charged emotions: no longing, no heart-ache, no fear, no suspicion, and no excitement when I drove by. I realized, “well, what da ya know, I am really finally over him!”

If people tell you that they think you are still not over your ex, or if you have any lingering doubt yourself about your feelings for him or her, do a drive by.

I don’t suggest doing the drive by if you already have his stuff loaded into your back seat, and you’re ready to chuck it onto his front lawn or driveway (yes, I did this during the first month after the break up).

Notice your thoughts and feelings before, during and after the drive by. Passing by their house can give you some clues about any unresolved tensions, passions, obsessions, or resentments that may be lurking in your unconscious mind.

You may be pleasantly, or unpleasantly surprised by your experience.

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stefportait2Maybe you’re thinking, what the does that title mean. Where is she going with this one? Some of you may already know exactly where it’s going.

Well, it is a long, long standing tradition that my mother must comment on my hair, for some reason, every time I see her. Even yesterday, after 3 weeks in her hospital bed, in and out of states of delirium and dementia. I hoped that maybe this time the goodnight-goodbye “I love you” could just have ended at that…sweet and silent. But noooooo. It STILL had to be followed by a comment about my hair.

By the way, I happen to LIKE my hair. Well, sometimes.

A month ago at my only uncle’s funeral service she just couldn’t help but toss a comment. There I was, feeling a little prettier than usual, and dressed up for the occasion. Hell, even my long lost cousins said I looked great (at 48 this feels like a nice compliment). Mom turned to look at me. I thought she was going to blurt out something special, deep, or touching. After all, we were at a funeral. She just uttered, “You need to condition your hair.”

I know intellectually that it’s coming from her love for me, but it never FEELS that way when it happens. I feel like a Barbie doll.

Yes, I admit it. The button is still there to be pushed. There is yet more work to do on my part.

This last time in the hospital I asked more though. I am actually becoming more intrigued by the phenomenon. It may seem like a small thing to you, but it was good for me to become inquisitive, and not just react. “Why are you still so obsessed about my hair?” I asked her. “I remember how it used to be.” She replied. “But I am almost 50 years old now!” my voice a little too loud for a rehab nursing home. I left the hospital, still mystified by her constant focus on my hair.

So, I wonder what today’s humid, NJ weather will do for my hair. I’m going to the hospital to see her. Let’s see what she has to say!

If you have had similar experiences, please feel free to post a comment. It is so fascinating, isn’t it?

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Return to the Interior

Return to the Interior

Many people have asked me…and the answer is, “Yes, yes already, I have read Eat, Pray, Love!”

Yes, I have also traveled to those places, but I came home with a cat and not a soul mate.

My travels took me to a different place within myself. My relationships lead me back to self-reflection, re-thinking, and wonder.

My book is called Reflections of a Codependent Yogi.

Somebody has to write it. To be released year end 2009.

http://www.CodependentYogi.com

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